To Be or Not To Be

I guess an update is in order.

Winter Quarter has been very fair to me, though I would like to put in a little more effort towards school. Recently, I hosted the HEAT concert at UCR. It was a great experience to say the least, but I probably wouldn't do it again. But we'll see come next November. Writing has taken a back seat which I'm not proud of. Lately the words haven't been coming to me. I think it might be because I don't know whether to focus on poetry or song writing. Though the two go hand in hand, I feel like there is a difference in the way each style is approached. I've been rock climbing a lot lately. Something about it just puts me at ease. There have been other activities where I feel comfort, but climbing is a different one all together. It's hard to explain. I am officially declaring my major on Thursday. I hope I'm making the right decision.

Reluctance

I don't write in here as often as I would like.

The fact that it's open to the public makes me hesitant to post certain things. I'm scared not of what people think about my thoughts, but my actual writing. I understand that my writing is unconventional and I enjoy writing in this fashion. But sometimes I feel like others look at it like I'm trying too hard to portray a certain style. I want my writing to be pleasing to others.

Other than that, I have to say that 2009 was a terrible year. Much more bad than good happened. But a new year has come and I'm excited for what is to be. I'm embarking on new ventures and attempting things I would normally not try at all. Some things I have been working on/need to work on:

1. Song writing

2. Poetry

3. Reading

4. Rock Climbing

5. Studying

6. Get a tattoo

I remember being on facebook January 1st and people already updated their status' as "2010 is gonna suck!" as if a few hours determined their entire year. I'll take this year one day at a time. Focus is important and I'm going to need a lot of it. I just have to keep my goals in tact and try my best to achieve them. Whatever path lies ahead, I'll be taking a different route.

My strive for the future: Run for President of the United States of America when I turn 60 years old. AZN B4 WOMAN!

Le Piccole Cose

Our generation can be characterized as ambitious, head-strong, and determined. There is nothing that will stop us from being the best that we can be. There is nothing that will block our path to greatness. We will go down in history and be remembered for eternity. So why am I writing? This simple post will not be remembered. It will most likely go unread except by a few. But for those that do read this, we must remember to stop, take a break, and enjoy the little things.

There is nothing wrong with going full-throttle. In fact it is praised. The media places CEO's of multimillion dollar industries in the cabinet with the fine China's. Society has raised us to go into every venture with full force. If we're going to do it, we must be the best at it. Companies only take the most qualified, Ivy Leagues only take the top tier students, the battle for graduate school is cut throat, even when buying groceries we must pick the best looking, or most ripe fruits. When something doesn't go our way we get furious and upset. When something does not taste the way we want it to we cringe and question what is wrong with it. Everything must be perfect. Everything must be ideal.

But what is perfect is right in front of us. Just look outside that window and look at the beauty. It may be simple like an alley, or a road. Or it may be something grand like the ocean, or the city lights. But no matter what it is, if you just take a minute out of your life and look, it's amazing. When I look outside my window, I usually see the same kids playing outside and I can't help but smile. Life is so simple. It isn't some mystery that must be pondered upon. All you have to do is stop. So many little things go unnoticed. Days go by and you don't know if it was a good or bad day. You'll pass people you know and say hi, then you'll forget that it happened. We're so focused on the big picture. We're so focused on the future that we won't have a now. A lot of people complain that they wish they were still kids. But what's so different about then and now? We still had to go to school. We still had to do homework. We still had to study for tests. We will went out and played with friends. We think because we get older everything becomes different. But we have the same responsibilities throughout our entire lives. We must balance school with family and friends. We must take care of siblings, relatives, and parents. And we must try and become successful. And that is where many of us get lost.

Success is not measured by the amount of money we make, or what position we hold. Success is measured by happiness. Now happiness is different for everyone, but in the end it's all relative. Right now I'm successful. I'm enjoying what I'm doing and I'm not taking anything too seriously. This may be looked down upon by some, but why? Why is looking at the now such a terrible thing? The future isn't going anywhere, and it's going to happen whether we like it or not, so why not enjoy now? When people tell me to grow up, or that I'm immature, I don't take offense to it. I realize now that I actually like it. Only because I know I'm enjoying myself. I'm enjoying life. And there is nothing I would change. In reality it is those people that need to grow up. They are so into themselves and are so willing to do anything that they never do any growing. They only know one speed and don't bother with what they have. There's always something better that can be achieved, better friends to be made, a better job that offers more money. But it's those small things, close friends, and a job that you truly want that helps your growth.

So the next time you're walking and thinking about the future, stop. Take a look around your surroundings, not just what's in front of you, and take everything in. Write down things that made you happy or sad that day. Take notice when you happen to cross paths with a friend, or if someone goes out of their way to say hi to you. The future isn't going anywhere, it hasn't even happened yet. So enjoy now. I'll forever be a child at heart, but at the same time I'll continue to grow up. So take your foot off the accelerator and brake.

Draft Status

Every team has specific needs, wants, and goals. They draft players that reflect their ideals and quality team play. But out of all the players ever to be drafted, there are those with the most "upside" or "potential". They are the projects that the team must build and train to become that perfect, complete player.

Besides getting paid millions of dollars, we are all exactly the same.

We build up our stats and fill out forms to be declared eligible. Colleges look at our numbers and pick the sure-fire ones, just as any good team would do. Then they look at the rest of the board and start picking and scratching. That is where the potential grade comes in. But potential is such a difficult thing to understand. Most of the time it goes untouched and is left dormant. Then there are those that train and practice for hours, push boundaries, and do everything they physically and mentally can to become the best player to ever play the game. And that is why we are blessed with players like Kobe Bryant, Adrian Peterson, and Derek Jeter. And it's also why we are blessed with people such as Kenneth Kinzler, Ghandi, and Helen Keller.

But to harness that potential there needs to be motivation. There has to be some sort of goal that we deem worthy enough to unleash our massive amount of potential. Even after a full year of college, and half a quarter, I still don't really know what I want to do. I've been juggling a few ideas in my head, writing down pros and cons of each, but in the end, I want to do every single one of those jobs. I want to teach. I want to be a doctor. I want to work in sports. I want to build things. But no matter which career I pursue I know I want to give it my all.

It was always hard for me to sit down and focus on the task at hand because I never saw the bigger picture. But slowly it's becoming clear. Right now my goal is to build up my G.P.A and transfer from my current team. Not because I don't enjoy it, but because I know my potential can be developed more at a higher institution. Midterm week passed and I was shocked to see some of my scores. For the first time in my life I saw what my hard work could do. I saw my potential coming into being. And now I finally have something to live up to. So far I've been doing things to please my parents. To please myself. But now I know neither of those things matter to me. What I'm living up for is to see other people realize their own potential and seize it.

It's taken me far too long to understand what I'm capable of. I've felt like a late round pick just roaming and doing just enough to stay on a team. But not anymore. I'm sick of sitting on the bench and being a cheerleader. It's time for me to make a comeback and become a starter. It's my time, UCLA or bust!

Pen and Paper

I want to write. Something.
So much emphasis is put on writing throughout education, but teachers and professors never open up the writing realm to anything creative. To anything the writer wishes to write. Everything must follow the given prompt and a specific structure. We must write down long, fancy words that no one truly knows the definition to so that we may appear smart. We must follow the five paragraph structure to the dot. Anything that fails to do so is unacceptable. That is what we have learned. That is what we have been taught. So we have adapted to dread writing. The words we put on pages no longer have any meaning. They are bullshitted thoughts with a few words changed with the thesaurus option. There is no longer a passion to write. There is only hatred.

I took a Creative Writing class my first quarter of college that opened my eyes. The class showed me that writing can have meaning. It showed me that words can once again be genuine instead of the crap we write every two weeks. At the beginning of every class we had a freewriting exercise. We were told to push our limits, to step beyond our boundaries, to get out of our comfort zone and write.
A word is not the same with one writer as with another. One tears it from his guts. The other pulls it out of his overcoat pocket.
~Charles Peguy

I want to write. Someday.
Not because I have to. But because I want to.